The Problem

Three years ago I left my job to join my wife's successful financial advisory firm. We discussed how it would work in advance, but the reality has been very different. One reason for her success is a relentless passion to do things her way, which makes me just another employee. Our home life has also changed – all decisions need to go her way or there is hell to pay. If I stay, our marriage may not last. If I leave, I'm unlikely to find a good job, which will compound our income disparity.

Accountant, male, 52

Lucy's Advice

You say you are between a rock and a hard place: if you go on working for your dictatorial wife your marriage won't survive but if you quit and land a less well-paid job the income gap between you will become excruciatingly wide.

This isn't a rock and a hard place – it's more like a rock and a lumpy cushion. Destroying your marriage is a big deal (if you planned on its survival, which I assume you did), while earning a bit less than your rich wife isn't a big deal at all – unless you make it one.

It sounds as if things were pretty good between you until three years ago, otherwise you would not have considered doing something as insane as working together. But now, after three years under the cosh, you have seen a different side of her. She may have seen a different side of you, too. Perhaps you have not proved quite as good at the job as she thought when she took you on. Which may explain what is happening at home: her lack of respect for your judgment at work has migrated into the domestic sphere and she has lost respect for your way of stacking the dishwasher too.

It sounds as if, perhaps as a result of the kicking you've been given, you are becoming a little unreasonable. You complain she treats you like another employee, but what is she supposed to do? To give you special treatment because you are her husband would be a quick way of alienating all her other employees.

I am prepared to bet that she is as eager as you are for this terrible experiment to end. Might you consider doing something else entirely? You could reinvent yourself as tinker, tailor, soldier or sailor; or failing that as a magistrate, consultant, or even – circumstances permitting – a stay-at-home father.

YOUR ADVICE

What is the problem?

I fail to see the problem. As a 52- year-old man with an extremely successful wife, your future seems assured. Simply announce that, for psychological reasons, you are taking early retirement – go and play golf and take a mistress – and have some fun. Your wife is already getting her fun from the business, so fair is fair.

Retired barrister, male

A matter of resentment

You could take a long hard look in the mirror and ask if you resent being under her authority, and are therefore “dragging your heels”, forcing her to be a dictator both at work and at home. It is seldom 100 per cent the other person's fault.

Physician, male

Buy into the equity

My husband and I have been partners in an investment management business for 15 years. We have three children and are still married. I suggest you offer to buy into the equity and view your wife as not your boss but your partner. If you can make this work, there are great rewards: you have more to talk about at home than how the kids were today.

Partner, female, 51

She may be unhappy too

Tell her straight: “Working for you is not working for me.” She may be thinking the same. I know I can't work with my wife – even when it comes to putting up shelves. I would never join her in a business. Fortunately, we recognise this, as you are now doing.

Anon, male

Sue your wife

Engineer a situation where you can sue your wife's company for harassment. While you are in litigious mood, divorce her for unreasonable behaviour. Sounds as if you will be able to retire wealthy and happy – lucky you!

MD, male, 54

问题

三年前，我辞去自己的工作，加入了妻子生意兴隆的金融咨询公司。我们事先讨论过该如何运作，但现实情况截然不同。她取得成功的一个原因是，以饱满的热情按自己的方式工作，于是我就成了公司里的另一名职员。我们的家庭生活也发生了改变——所有决定都需要按照她的方式，否则就会有大麻烦。如果我留在公司，我们的婚姻可能就无法持续；如果离开，我不太可能找到一份好工作，这将加大我们的收入差距。

会计师，男，52岁

露西的建议

你说你进退两难：如果你继续为独裁妻子工作，你们的婚姻就无法存续，但如果你辞职，找到一份待遇不那么好的工作，你们之间的收入差距就会令人痛苦地扩大。

这不是进退两难——而更像是易退难进。离婚是一件大事（我假设你打算维持婚姻），而收入略低于富有的妻子根本不是什么大事——除非你自己把它变成一个问题。

听起来好像你们3年前的关系相当好，否则你不会考虑在一起工作这样的蠢事。但现在，被摆布了3年之后，你看到了妻子的另一面。她可能也看到了你的另一面。也许你的工作表现没有她聘用你时所认为的那么好。家里发生的情况可能是出于以下原因：她对你工作判断力的轻视已经带到家庭中来，对你做家务的方式也产生了轻视。

似乎是由于不断受到打击的结果，你好像已变得有点不可理喻。你抱怨她像对待普通员工那样对待你，但你希望她怎么做？因为你是她丈夫而对你另眼相待，这很快就会疏远所有其他的员工。

我敢说，你妻子和你一样迫切希望结束这种糟糕的状态，或许你可以考虑彻底改行？你可以试着做补锅匠、裁缝、军人或水手，不行的话，就做一名文职官员、顾问，甚至在条件许可的情况下，还可以做一名“家庭主夫”。

读者建议

有什么问题？

我看不到有什么问题。作为一个妻子非常成功的52岁的男人，你的未来似乎已经有了保障。只需要宣布一声：因为心理原因，你要提前退休——出去打打高尔夫，找个情妇——找些乐趣。你妻子已经从工作中获得乐趣，因此这是很公平的。

退休律师，男

不满而已

你可以好好照照镜子，问问自己是否不愿意被她管着，因此才“拖拖拉拉”，迫使她成为工作和家中的独裁者。很少会百分之百是对方的错。

医生，男

买入股权

15年来，我丈夫和我一直是一家投资管理公司的合伙人。我们有3个孩子，仍然婚姻美满。我建议你买入股权，不要把妻子看作老板，而是看作合伙人。如果你能做到这一点，回报将非常丰厚：你在家里有更多的谈资，而不仅是孩子们今天怎么样了。

合伙人，女，51岁

她可能也不开心

直接告诉她：“为你工作不是为我工作。”她可能也在考虑同样的问题。我知道我不能与妻子一起工作——哪怕是一起搭货架。我永远不会与她共事。幸运的是，我们认识到了这一点，正如你现在所做的。

匿名，男

起诉你的妻子

创造一个局面，让你能够以折磨为由起诉你妻子的公司。诉讼的同时，你以行为不可理喻为由同她离婚。听起来似乎你将能够富有而快乐地退休——你真走运！

医学博士，男，54岁